Looking back at when I started this documentation of my journey, my husband and I had just sold our house with nowhere to live. We released a lot. We left a home we had lived in for 5 years. We left the constant reminders that Thor was no longer there. When we would open the freezer, Thor wouldn’t come running to try to get an ice cube. When we would come home, Thor wasn’t there to grab the nearest stuffed animal and growl from the deepest pit of his belly as he ran in circles. Thor wasn’t there to sit, lean, or lay on me no matter where I was.
But. There were a lot of changes. I had no idea that life would lead me to where I am now. It seems like the past year, or year and a half, was a period of releasing the things that no longer served me. To be clear, what no longer served me was my ego, my maladaptive defense mechanisms, and the toxic thought patterns that weave their way through my brain. By releasing these things (definite work in progress) I’ve been able to take a much deeper dive into shadow work. And creating personal boundaries. And trying to keep those boundaries. And… working on fixing my codependent issues.
Quitting my bedside nursing job and finding that remote position was amazing. It was a big change, but I finally got over the fear of judgment. I was always afraid that people would think I was weak if I left bedside… that perhaps I wasn’t a good nurse (actual fear of mine). I feared that I would be judged for taking a lower paying job. I spent a lot of time wondering what other people would think or say. I went down a lot of rabbit holes in regards to my career that I feel like I’ve finally shed. I no longer care about whatever status it was I thought I had by collecting letters after my name. I no longer cared if I decided to just quit nursing all together. I’m dropping my progressive care nurse certification. I’m even dropping my ACLS/BLS. These things do not serve me.
And though my husband and I have separated and are living in different apartments, it wasn’t him I was releasing myself from. I don’t know if I fully comprehended this concept at the time, but I knew that he as a human was not someone I wanted to release from my life. What I wanted to release, looking back, was the constraints I put on myself in that relationship. I used my projected insecurities and criticisms to drive my behaviors and thought patterns. I tried to use my husband as a shield rather than the reflecting pool that he was, being upset with him for all of those self-criticisms when I refused to acknowledge those deeper parts of myself.
Separating myself from that relationship forced me to acknowledge. It forced me to take responsibility. Accountability. And it was hard. Living by myself has been very bittersweet. I love that everything is exactly the way I want it. I love that I got to make decisions and didn’t put myself in a position to be swayed from what I really wanted. I’m excited and feel more like an adult than I ever have. And my leftovers are always right where I left them in the fridge, haha. But it does also get lonely. And when I was sick last week with strep I still had that desire for someone to take care of me. Or just sit with me.
However. The vast amount of personal growth and self-confidence is incomparable. I would not have been able to make this progress if I didn’t take drastic actions to shake myself out of hiding. I feel more open. I feel more honest. I feel more accepted… which may just be a byproduct of letting the relationships in which I feel hypervigilant or uncomfortable fall away. When I’m around people who I feel are unsupportive of me and my journey, I find myself being hypervigilant. I feel panicked while around them and then overanalyze the entire conversation later. I replay scenarios like a movie in my head, trying to see if there was another way I should have handled things. If there was something else I should have said, or shouldn’t have said. I try so hard, still, to be who I think they’ll accept. Or, just hide the parts of me I think they don’t accept. Which, is not authentic. It’s not genuine. It seems… like a waste of resources, really.
When I’m around people and I feel accepted or I feel like they are holding space for me to come out of my shell, I find that I don’t stress myself out like that. I don’t torture myself with the replays and hypothetical edits. I don’t worry about what they might think if I said x, y, or z. I have trust and comfort in them, that we would give each other the benefit of the doubt and communicate from a place of love when there is ever an issue. I don’t feel like I am “less than”. I don’t feel like I am “too much”. I don’t feel like I’m a secondary human and my thoughts don’t matter. My hope is that by basking during solitude and feeding my soul relationships that come with compassion for the human experience, I might be able to strengthen and ground myself enough to stand confidently in my own power during uncomfortable situations.
But. I do want to end this with a list of very basic things that have empowered me since moving into this apartment.
- Assembling and moving around all the furniture (once the movers moved them up the stairs, hah)
- Bringing up the tv and a large pot filled with a bush and soil all the way from the parking lot and up the stairs… even if I had to stop every few feet.
- Putting up all of the shelves, pictures, lighting, curtains
- Turning down a project at work when asked by my manager that would have resulted in more work, more difficulty, and no change in pay.
- Allowing others to be upset without taking on the sole responsibility of “fixing it”
- Fixing the cabinet that fell off the hinges.
- Hosted 2 friends and a massage therapist on my birthday, with no other host support. hah
- Cut my zoloft dose down by 2/3rds without bouts of crying for no reason.
I definitely still have a lot of growing to do. It’s a work in progress. Some day I will ask maintenance to please try to fix the fridge light.
This past year and a half has definitely brought on challenges. It’s brought on new perspectives, new thought patterns, new humility. It’s not been easy. But, I’m still here, I suppose. I suspect there will be many more challenges in the days to come. If this past adventure has taught me anything, it’s that I have no idea where I’m going to end up. Might as well enjoy what I’ve got… while I’ve got it.
Lunar Lilies 