Let Go of the Outcome

My emotional intelligence and sense of self has come a long way. Still, I frustrate myself when I seem to take steps back.

I never liked being in control. Being in control is scary. It has responsibility. And it is exhausting, anxiety-inducing, and frustrating when I’m trying to be in control, but I actually have none. How easily I forget that the best adventures and experiences occur when I give up those expectations—when I’m able to let go.

There is so much I don’t know, I haven’t experienced, or I could never imagine… so why would I even want to be in control of everything? I have brought so much suffering onto myself by simply clinging to a specific path… getting lost in attachment.

I had a massage/reiki session before I went on my solo(ish) road trip adventure. It was interesting. It gave me ideas of how to grow, what to work on, and what still needed to be healed. Last week, I had another. This time it was more powerful, a deeper experience, a more connected experience. For that night, it changed my outlook and lifted the weight of my sorrow off of my chest. When I video chatted with a friend immediately afterward, she commented on how I even looked like I was in a better space. Now that a week has gone by and I continue to try to ground and release, I think I understand the message.

The beginning of the session always starts with Oracle cards. After I picked out four cards, she turned them over to reveal A Gift From Life, Nature Spirits, Flowing River, and Release.

A Gift From Life: Each day, life offers abundant proof that the Universe loves me. Every day, God sends angels to help me. Today, I will receive an angelic message. It may come from someone from whom I speak or from words that I read. I will listen closely, as this message is a divine gift meant to help me make my way in love and maintain my spiritual strength.

I actually got this card the first time as well. Sometimes I think I’m receiving a message, but I don’t know what it means. And just like I have to keep learning lessons over and over again until it hurts deeper than I thought I had the capacity work through… the Universe sends me messages louder and louder until I take the hint. I told a friend that the number 444 kept appearing when I had a very specific thought. I asked her what she thought it meant. I keep asking others for answers when I already have the answers inside of me, giving up my power. I kept literally searching for the answer, taking the interpretations from Google that I wanted to be correct. But, a couple days later I came across TikTok videos that spelled it out for me. The message was loud and clear. It was guidance. It was comfort… just to have an answer on how to proceed. it also wasn’t what I wanted, but I felt, now, like I could loosen those reins of control just a little bit.

Nature Spirits:

Meaning: Joy, the light, peaks of carefree abandon. Living wildly, magically, and free. Be open to the wonders of the universe flooding into your life. Innocence and delight are abounding. Happiness is on its way!

Native Spirit Wisdom: Almost every indigenous culture recounts stories of fairies, often called little people, and nature spirits. Although some of the fairies act in protection of their wildlands and should be treated with care and respect, most often they bring blessings and light to all in the room. If this Nature Spirit card chooses you, then welcome to a wellspring of joy and magic. Beneath the surface, mystical interventions are occurring in your life. Relax. All is well.

The Journey: Even taking a few moments of stillness in the natural world can help you attune to the world of the little people and nature spirits. If you see a small flash of light or a movement of a leaf on a windless day, these are often signs that the wee folk are near.

(Native Spirit Oracle by Denise Linn)

Flowing River:

Meaning: Everything is falling into place because you aren’t resisting the drift of the great river of life. It’s time to let go. You’re entering a period of gracious ease and flow. All is unfolding perfectly and with good timing. When you’re in a state of flow, you aren’t pushing the river to go faster and you aren’t swimming against it. Let go of the shore and enjoy the ride.

Native Spirit Message: Rivers have personalities and carry energy, just as animals and plants do. From the Maoris to the Australian Aborigines, and to other native cultures throughout the world, it’s believed that it’s important to listen to the language of the river. If you aren’t feeling the smooth currents of life, it might mean that you’re trying to control situations or that you’re being self=critical or judgmental. The way to move into flow is through gratitude and appreciation, and by allowing others to support and help you. Heed the Native American saying: “It’s best to ride the horse the direction that it’s going.” This means that when the card Flowing River chooses you, you’re being told to let go and go with the flow. If there is something or someone you need to forgive, this is the time. This is also the time to forgive yourself and just let go.

The Journey: As you shower and the water flows over your body, imagine that everyone is flowing in your life. Spend time next to a river or stream and watch the flowing waters; use it as a metaphor to let go and enter the flow.

Native Spirit Oracle by author Denise Linn

Release: I can’t find the explanation for this card… but I’m not sure I even need it. I laughed when this card came up, because it’s the same message I had gotten from someone days before. Release, shed, be born again. (She also mentioned it would not be easy, so… cool.)

The reiki session itself was… a new experience. It was emotional. I felt light-headed. I felt sensations all over my body almost like waves of energy going through. As she held space for me she got emotional. It was a powerful experience. Deep. And connected.

Our first session, she didn’t speak. She used tuning forks and singing bowls. This time, she felt called to do almost a guided meditation. And it was… an experience. She would tell me to imagine I was in a beautiful, perfect place. I chose my favorite campsite, of course. The campsite where Thor’s name is carved into the picnic table. As I imagined myself staring out at the lake, she asked, “is there water there?”

I started to imagine my grandma, who had passed recently. “Are there people there?”

I imagined Thor. “Are there animals?”

The skeptic in me thought ok, lucky guesses.

She talked about imagining a fire growing in my belly. A source of power. Strength. Then she asked me to imagine an animal thriving in that fire. Growing in the fire. My first thought was a moose… because moose always remind me of Thor. But it wasn’t a moose… it was a large, regal buck with antlers that spread wide and tall. He was confident. Protective.

Then, as she got emotional, she said, “I don’t even need to be here. Your angels and your guardians are coming down and telling me ‘we’ve got her’ and they’re healing you.” She talked about Arcturians, blue light, crystal pods, and pinks and oranges. I won’t pretend to understand, but in the very least it was beautiful visuals and a very relaxing and grounding experience.

I kept my skepticism, though. Up until the point after I got dressed and was discussing with her the visions she was getting versus what I was imagining. And then she said… “I didn’t even need to be there! I was just holding space. There was this… this big deer that stood over you, surrounded by blue light. Protecting you. He was a… what do you call it? A male deer. A buck? With big, big antlers.”

…

Yes. Yup. Goosebumps and shivers. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know anything. I do believe, though, that if I continue to honor my emotions, do the shadow work, ground myself, and release—expectations, outcomes, inhibitions, judgments (including of myself)—the possibilities are endless. Perception is reality, And I have the power to change my perception.