After one of the weirdest years in history, after riots and injustice, after personal pain and loss, after a ridiculous election year that continues to tear people apart, and in the middle of a contested election… I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. It’s so easy to jump in the middle of the chaos, where you will easily find name-calling, hatred, and judgment. It’s so easy to get sucked in to the personal attacks on one’s character, and you could waste a lot of energy on trying to defend yourself to a world that just doesn’t care enough to actually listen to what you have to say. So I will not waste my energy on debating my thoughts of justice, peace, love, and compassion. I will write instead about what I learned this year.
I’m white. I’m really white. I grew up in a small midwestern town in Michigan to a conservative and religious family. There were 112 people in my graduating class, and only a handful of minorities in our whole school. It wasn’t until I had become a nurse and was working in a large level I trauma hospital that I was introduced to the language Tagalog. When I was 22 years old, I moved to the Bay Area in California and subjected myself to a complete culture shock.
As a white woman, I was now in the minority at my job. I was introduced to so many new cultures, languages, food, and people; my eyes were opened to so much more beauty that this world has to offer. I was also introduced to new landscapes, thought processes, struggles, and lifestyles. It’s now been 11 years here, and it still took me this long to learn some life lessons. It took me this long to realize that I was complacent, and that I could be unknowingly contributing to a problem.
First, I had to act with humility. I learned by observing, listening, and reading. I learned by reflecting on my past experiences and trying to look at those interactions as objectively as possible. I learned by first observing my thoughts, questioning my thoughts, and interpreting my thoughts. In order to protect my fragile self-esteem, I tried to take personal judgment out of the observations. I had to question my thought patterns that had been impressed upon me since childhood. I had to learn to no longer passively agree with those thoughts.
It’s been a long time since I have considered myself a Christian. I found issues with many of the teachings growing up, but it still was a large part of my indoctrination. I experienced a lot of internal turmoil thinking about the specifics of what my church taught, like the thought that being gay was a sin, and trying to reconcile that with their overall message that God is pure love. I didn’t understand how an all-knowing being that was made of pure love and made humans in His image, could condemn those beings he loved and authorized other humans to cast judgment upon them. So I learned about other world religions. I learned about the similarities in creation stories and parables from all different parts of the world. I learned how civilizations that took place before Bible times had some of the same stories. I learned how the Bible was written by men, translated numerous times by men, and changed to fit the narrative of the men that were editing for their specific time in history. I learned, not for the last time, that people will cherry pick the “evidence” they want that fits their narrative, while ignoring the parts that contradict or don’t make sense.
So, I decided to look inside myself. I decided to determine what was true for me. For me, loving another person, showing compassion for another person, and treating other people with kindness is always better than judgment, fear, and hate. For me, fear leads me down dark paths. It closes my mind to new possibilities, it keeps me confined, and it doesn’t allow me to grow. Love will always win over fear. After a lot of work on internalized homophobia, I have finally come to terms with my own sexuality, whether or not that is bisexual or pansexual (I’m not sure which, but I don’t think the labels really matter). Either way, I choose love and acceptance. Two consenting adults who love each other and show compassion for each other is a beautiful way to honor life. I was able to finally find peace by observing and questioning.
I also listened. I listened to black voices recount their experiences in life. I listened to people of color voice their frustrations and their pain. I listened to my friend from Peru as she told me about times she was harassed and subjected to nonsensical hatred. I listened as she told me about a white couple that swerved their car towards her when she was standing on the side of the road waiting to cross the street. When she jumped back, the couple laughed. They stopped their car and then started yelling at her, taunting her. They asked her if she was going to cause trouble or cause damage to their car, adding, “Because that’s what you Mexicans do, right?” They felt empowered enough scare a stranger with possible bodily harm, harass her, and frighten her.
I do not assume to understand the difficulties of my friends and colleagues who have experienced this type of hatred and negativity, these brazen and open acts of intimidation. But I do know that this is just one story that one person has felt comfortable enough to share with me. And she was not physically harmed, thankfully. She shared this story with me as one of the reasons she grew up not liking white people; they treated her like this.
I will never know what it’s like to be a person of color. I will never know what it feels like to grow up with their circumstances and the prejudices that are placed on people of color, in the same ways I will never know what it’s like to grow up or live as a male. It’s something I can never truly comprehend without being in that situation. That is why I know and have come to understand how important it is for me to continue learning, listening, and humbling myself enough to grow. I have to know that I will never know everything. For me, being “right” is not nearly as important as being kind and compassionate. People’s lives, their joy, their security, and their love should be protected. I want the freedom to make my own choices. I want the freedom to walk down the street and know that I am safe. I want to know that justice is preserved. I want people to judge me by the decisions I’ve made and the words I’ve said, while also giving me compassion and patience while I make mistakes. I want to be seen as me, for who I am, as an individual person.
And I want that for you, too.
Lunar Lilies 