You Might Be the Asshole

Ok. Maybe you’re not the asshole. You’re probably actually very lovely and I’m just projecting my own experience onto every else’s life.

This morning found me grinning to myself as I reflected on a recent interaction with my husband. Our relationship is by far stronger now than it ever has been in the past. After being married for seven years, we’ve learned some tough lessons on how to interact with each other, and how each of us likes to be addressed. In the beginning of our relationship, there were plenty “discussions” that ended in him with a raised voice, me in tears, and both of us frustrated and confused.

If you asked me before couples’ therapy and before I really started to work on myself, I would have told you that my husband was passive aggressive, demeaning, apathetic to my needs, and expected more out of me than I could give. I was so resentful and in pain from childhood issues that had nothing to do with my husband. My threshold for tears was very low, and I felt attacked so easily.

Going through couples’ therapy helped us to learn and recognize the toxic communication patterns we had developed through the years. We counted it a victory when we were just able to recognize that we were in a cycle so that we could stop and try to get to the real root of the problem. As late in the game as this was, it was the first time I really thought of my husband as being the main character in his own story. My husband was his own person, with his own complex issues, trying to navigate through this life as well. I developed a new compassion for him and my communication to him grew kinder. In turn, I felt like his communication to me was filled with more compassion and I no longer felt defensive. That was my first clue that maybe I had been the asshole from the beginning.

I started to recognize when I was reacting to my assumed intent instead of what was actually said. I started to ask for clarification when I felt myself shutting down. I’m still working on stating my needs and holding up my values and boundaries to make it easier for my husband to understand me. Like most things, this is a total work in progress.

Couples’ therapy ended almost two years ago. Thankfully, we have developed a strong enough base of trust and understanding that we can have much better interactions now. Even when I am completely being an asshole.

The most recent interaction went like this:

<me being whiny and a jerk about something so insignificant that neither of us remember what it was about>

Husband: That’s not fair.

Me: You’re right! That’s not fair!

Husband: …Ok. Who is it not fair to?