My parents tried their hardest. I truly believe they did the best they could with the knowledge and skills they had at the time. At the same time, there were a lot of lessons I wish I had learned during childhood. There are traits I wish I could have honed.
My sisters and I were raised on shame. We grew up learning that we had a lot of things to feel shamed for. My sister is very curvaceous. When we were in high school, she wore jeans that showed her shape. My dad made comments about her jeans and showing off her body, so I learned that your body is something you need to cover up. I learned that being too curvy was inappropriate. I learned that the way you look in clothes is something to be scrutinized and judged.
We did not hang out with our friends very often. My house was never the place where people gathered, and we weren’t allowed to spend a lot of time away from home. Whenever any of us girls hung out or talked with boys, that relationship had to be defined immediately and “he’s just a friend” was never an accepted answer. Every male/female relationship was sexualized and we were teased mercilessly for having those relationships. I learned to be ashamed of friendships with boys. I learned that boys would only ever be interested in physical relationships with me, and I based my worth in this. (But also, I had to save myself for marriage.)
My view of the world was skewed so badly, and I had such limited interactions with males, that my social skills with males were atrocious. I didn’t know what a healthy friendship looked like, so I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t know how to communicate with confidence or look out for myself. I didn’t know what mutual respect looked like. I thought that my purpose was to please men and not bruise their egos. I was taught that men have needs that they can’t control… so when I found myself in situations I didn’t want to be in, I blamed myself. And I was ashamed.
In my early 20’s, I went out to a bar with two friends. We ended up going back to one of the girls’ townhouses with the guy she picked up from the bar. She was so drunk that she ended up throwing up and we had to put her to bed. My other friend left, so I was left alone with the guy my drunk friend took home… and I was uncomfortable. I was anxious. I was inexperienced. I wanted to be alone. I was also stuck with the intruding thoughts that I couldn’t be rude and I couldn’t make him feel less than manly. My brilliant mind decided that the easiest way to make him go away was to pretend to pass out. I, naively, thought that was actually going to work. I had no idea he would sexually assault me. I ended up getting up and getting in bed with my drunk friend and praying for morning.
It would not be the last time I found myself in a situation that would leave me feeling dirty, used, and worthless. Years later, I still think back to those situations and wonder how I could have prevented it. But, the blame is not on me. And I’m not ashamed anymore. Even as I write this, I see how I am still blaming myself for aspects, blaming my parents for other aspects, and blaming the guy for the rest. I don’t mean to blame and I’m trying to work on that part.
My hope for my nieces and nephews is that they learn how to find and trust their “knowing”. When they find a kindred spirit and make friends, they’re allowed to develop healthy and secure relationships. When they know who they are and are ready to tell the world, I hope they have the confidence and support to live as their best self. I hope they learn to follow their intuition way faster than I did… but also realize that they are not responsible for other people’s thoughts and behaviors. Sometimes it’s a hard lesson to learn.
Lunar Lilies 