Keeping up appearances. What a crazy self-induced constraint. No wonder I went through so many years being miserable and feeling like I didn’t really belong. Of course I don’t belong in a place that requires sacrificing my own needs and desires in order to keep up a pretty, “socially acceptable” wall between myself and the world around me. Why have I spent so many years trying to make other people accept me for who I am not?
Growing spiritually and as a person sometimes requires sacrifice as well… but at least those sacrifices are not harming my true self. It doesn’t harm my inner knowing and peace. When I told a friend, whom I have known for ten years, about selling my house and moving an hour away, her response was not exactly positive.
“Why would you do that?? Do you know how far that is? That’s going to be a crazy commute! Why would you want to do that??”
Before, that type of response would have sent me into an internal rabbit hole of self-doubt. I would have felt anxious that I was making an unpopular decision; a decision that doesn’t vibe with the status quo. I would have sacrificed my own truth and taken those words in as an attack on who I was as a person. But no! I am happy with my decision. I am excited about a new opportunity and a new adventure. I want to sacrifice my comfort in just getting by and trade that for peaks and valleys in the pursuit of becoming the best version of myself.
In knowing that this was the right decision for me, my friend’s projected anxiety was quickly leveled. She may not agree with my decision, but my confidence in my decision did not allow room for her to put cracks in the new beautiful path I have laid for myself.
Making the decision to shed the things that no longer serve me, even if that means shaking up my life a bit and no longer “keeping up appearances” has been the most solid decision I’ve ever made. I don’t want to follow the crowd. I don’t want to pretend like I’m happy or successful or smart or right all the time. I want to be vulnerable; I’m human. I’m not always going to be ok. And that is ok.
Lunar Lilies 